The Fear Of The Dentist
by sydneysages
Summary: Myrnin eats cheese and has a nightmare. What happens in his nightmare, and just what is the same as reality? CRACKFIC! MWAHAHAHAHA! R&R please XD


_Inspired by my traumatising trip to the dentist yesterday, where I had to have a tooth out… but he had to yank loads and eww… before y'all get any ideas, I _don't_ have manky teeth; I just have too many for my small mouth & had to loose one before I get braces._

_I don't own anything_

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><p>It's all simple mathematics:<p>

Myrnin + boredom = bad.

Myrnin + lots of work he enjoys = good!

Myrnin – lots of work X boredom = catastrophic.

Myrnin + cheese = nightmare… literally

Ever since he wasted $100,000 of her money on a machine he already owned, Amelie had been _extremely _careful with the money she gave Myrnin. She instructed Claire to confirm whether or not he already had it, and whether or not it was necessary for him to have before she would consider buying him anything.

This upset Myrnin. So, he would pout the day away, ignoring Claire when she informed him his request had been denied, and even caused Bob to be sent to the vet with malnutrition because he decided to eat Bob's food himself.

That is, however, until the day a parcel arrived for him. It was addressed to 'Mr Myrnin, aka Trapdoor Spider' and had the most _intoxicating_ aroma… of cheese. He hadn't been allowed cheese by Amelie since Prague in the late Tudor period, where he had eaten so much cheese; he deemed it a good idea to do tippletales (somersaults) down Petřín hill on the edge of town. Needless to say, they left Prague pretty quickly after that moment.

And he had never been allowed cheese again.

So, this was another reason why Myrnin was mad at Amelie; the arrival of the parcel for him made him remember how much he _loved_ cheese and how _sad_ he had been when Amelie insisted he couldn't have anymore. He was so mad that he almost threw her from the top of the Houses of Parliament… well; he would of, if he could have gotten her up there. She had always had a fear of heights when he was around.

But then, just then, he had _a whole box of cheese_! It was a box _entirely_ for him; it was even _labeled_ to show that it was for him and Amelie couldn't say that the box had been given to him instead of the Day woman. Whilst she was a nice enough lady, she didn't eat cheese and she didn't seem too keen on him working at 3 in the morning.

Myrnin took the box into the lab and locked the door, thinking that this would make sure that his stuff (decrepit and old now that Amelie and Claire were in cahoots to make sure he didn't get any new stuff) was safe from burglars when he was infatuated with his cheese. First he would smell it, to lock in the memory of the scent in his brain for the next billion years that it would take for someone to buy him it again. He wasn't allowed to buy cheese: Amelie had made sure he was blackballed from all cheese products, which was a little lonely for poor Myrnin, and he couldn't even order it online because Amelie had had Frank block all the sites that Myrnin could use to buy _any_ kind of cheese… something Frank took great pleasure in doing.

But after the smelling, Myrnin had to cut each piece up and eat exactly _one_ ounce at a time for precisely three ounces before then scoffing it all because he lost self control. Then he would sit there and be depressed because he had eaten all his cheese and couldn't afford more… or, in this case, couldn't get anymore.

So he embarked on his cheese eating ritual: he smelt every single piece of divine heaven – there _is_ a God! – and then he measured out an ounce and ate it, reveling in the beautiful taste. Then he measured another ounce and did the same. However, by this time, he was getting a little bored, so he pulled a face as he measured the next ounce before he then decided that he would just eat it all because it tasted _so good_!

Within five minutes, he had eaten it all and felt very upset because he had eaten all his cheese _and he wouldn't get anymore_! This made Myrnin pull a sad face because, well, he loved cheese but didn't have any more.

So he went to bed and cried himself to sleep.

…

All too soon, his eyes were opening and he sat up, just to find himself _not_ in bed… he was in those icky dentist's chairs that go _way_ too far back to be comfortable – you know, the ones where you feel you're going to slide off the back of it if you move one inch. He blinked once, then again to make sure that he was _awake_, before turning his head…

"ARGH!" he shrieked, sounding more like a girl than he ever had done before.

Oliver was standing to his right, wearing a white coat and a surgeon's mask over his mouth, in his hands a set of dentist's instruments. "Now, now, Myrnin, there is no need to react like that," he rolled his eyes at Myrnin's immaturity, though he praised himself secretly for being able to scare the fool.

"Oliver!" Myrnin yelled his nemesis' name, curling up on the other side of the chair and getting stabbed by the suction tube. "What on _earth_ are you doing dressed as a _dentist_?" he asked, shuddering as he processed the fact that Oliver had a _scalpel_ in his hand and was probably going to put it in his mouth.

"Dressed as a dentist?" Oliver repeated, shaking his head to hide his laughter. "Fool, I _am_ a dentist… and you have a rotten tooth – that blood you had last week was tainted, I _told_ you, but you didn't listen – so I have to take it out. Amelie said," he finished proudly, as if this was the greatest thing in the world.

"Wait… Amelie wants _you_ to take my tooth out, even though you're crazy and she hates you?" Myrnin confirmed, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're crazy, Oliver, crazy."

The elderly vampire rolled his eyes and smiled though you couldn't see it through the surgeon's mask. "And _you_, Myrnin, cannot think up enough insults so you have to repeat the same word three times in about ten seconds. For someone as old as you, that is _sad_." His vindictive smile made Myrnin want to attack him until he realised his tooth really _did_ hurt.

"So, why can't _Theo_ take the tooth out?" Myrnin whined, scared to let Oliver near his mouth. He'd probably try and _kiss_ him or something.

"Theo is a doctor… and, anyway, he is busy," Oliver blew Myrnin off as he reached out for a longer and sharper scalpel. "I have a _little_ experience with dentistry, so I thought that I would offer up my services… so lie back, Myrnin!" he laughed sardonically as Myrnin shook his head and covered his mouth with his hand.

"Your experience in dentistry… is it limited to when you clawed your enemies' teeth out?" he mumbled, almost unintelligibly with the covered mouth.

"No, actually I knew a dentist… for a short while, but that is irrelevant," Oliver answered. "If you don't open your mouth, Myrnin, Amelie said for me to call on her to make sure that you would do so… she said something about removing your lab equipment?" he lied through his teeth – no humour intended – about the latter part, but it did the job.

"NOOOOOOO!" Myrnin yelled, and Oliver took full advantage of the opening of his mouth, lunging forwards and using the steel block to wedge his mouth open.

"Stop being stupid," Oliver muttered, binding the wriggling Myrnin to the chair with chains handily left around. And then… then he bent down to begin to attack Myrnin's mouth…

…

Myrnin opened his mouth and yelled, instantly feeling around in his mouth to make sure that the missing teeth in the last few minutes never left his mouth.

"Thank you, oh mighty scientist in the sky!" he prayed to the ceiling, the happiness that he had all his teeth overwhelming. Part of his brain realised that it was only a nightmare, but…part of him thought he was going crazy.

A noise to his left made him look there in extreme surprise, the surprise intensified by the fact that he can see a tray of steel utensils that look just like the ones from his dream. Amelie was standing there, an unhappy expression on her face.

"You've eaten cheese, haven't you?" she said, disappointment and anger in her tone.

"Um… yes… but someone left it on the doorstep," he vilified his reason for eating the cheese, blushing slightly.

"A shame," she sighed, walking towards the door. She pressed a button on the side and, instantly, chains wrapped around Myrnin, all too similar to the dream. "Oliver, he is ready for you," she called through the open door and a dentist Oliver walked through.

"Is… is this reality?" Myrnin asked, fearful for what was going on.

"Oh yes," she smiled sweetly, the amusement at this hitting her eyes. "You see, the other reason I ordered you not to eat cheese was to test your loyalty… Oliver put that parcel out and tainted it so that you would lose a tooth if you ate it… you failed, Myrnin, so the tooth must come out."

And, with that, she walked out the door and ignored the screaming.

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>

_Review, if ya don't mind XD_

_Vicky xx_


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